​Psychological torture

Your zombie eyes looking at me/through me as I beg you to love me, treat me better is imprinted into my brain.

I don’t ever want to feel this way again.

And yet I stay.

Drowning

Pleading for help, the bare minimum, something to help my sanity, to make the load lighter, while watching you willingly help a women you just met, fills me with sadness and rage. You’ll always watch me suffer.

Threats

Bringing up the pain and hurt, not the first surely not the last. Hoping for accountability, an apology, praying for change. But “ I’ll just leave “ is easier than admitting your faults.

Past present future

How kind and loving you were in those honeymoon days. Love dripping from every pore on your body, affection never running out, laughter, happiness, compassion.

Until we were tied, something that bonded us together for the rest our lives. No more love, affection laughter, happiness, compassion. Just emptiness & sweat full or rage spewing from you.

I don’t want to be the one in my 40s wishing I would’ve just left, but I feel like I have no choice.

Breadcrumbs.

The tiniest sprinkles of comfort and love, especially after the big blowouts. Makes me feel like everything is okay, all relationships have hardships right? Today I saw a glimpse of my old partner, I hope tomorrow is just as good or even better.

But it never is.

Rinse and repeat

After I’ve gained enough courage to stand up for myself. Tell you I’m done, this is it, I can’t take it anymore. You’ve suddenly recognized the problem, you’ll do better, you love me so much. Two weeks pass and I find myself in the bathroom sobbing, wondering why I stay in a situation that brings me to such a low point. Repeating that I hate my life.

It’s because you say you love me.

Masks

How could anyone ever believe me what you’re capable of? In the presence of others you show up, you talk sweetly of me, you’re helpful and full of support, you walk and talk like Prince Charming. They would never believe the person you are when they’re not around. The rage I’ve seen, the words you’ve said, the emotional abuse. I don’t blame them because who you are around them is who you were when we first met. I was tricked too, you’re still fooling me.

Alone.

I don’t know when it happened, but one day you went completely cold. I felt alone for months, I would try and talk with you and you wouldn’t say a single word. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. I told myself “ 6 more months and I’ll leave “ and I did. I saw so much of you unfold. You would rage, then plead, cry, promise me change, but I was firm I knew I needed to do this. Threats of hurting yourself, you isolated yourself, wouldn’t speak to your friends but you would speak to mine, then you started to blame me, I was the reason this was happening, I was giving up, I couldn’t take it anymore. You came back.

I let you back.