For some reason, whenever I enter the kitchen, I always get the urge to piss. I don’t know why. Maybe I have some unknown condition or something. If so, I really need meds for it because it really gets on my nerves.
Imagine waltzing into your kitchen to make a simple PBJ, and suddenly you have to piss. Which means you now have to walk all the way to your bathroom. Now call me lazy or a fatass or whatever, but I’d just rather enjoy the succulent taste of a PBJ than empty my bladder.
So I try to put it off. I try to make the PBJ as fast as I can before I end up pissing my pants. I grab the peanut butter and the jelly practically at the same time, even though they’re in two very different parts of the kitchen, I grab my spoon and the bread. And of course a plate. Can’t forget about the plate.
But at this point, the urge to piss basically overtakes me. I’m doing that little ‘I have to piss’ dance in the middle of the kitchen while holding my spoon like it’s a raindance or some shit.
Piss is about to shoot out of my junk at this point, and Im about to run to the bathroom and use the toilet in the nick of time like I always do.. but this time I decided that I’d simply take a shortcut.
I look at the sink, still doing the raindance, and decide that it’s about that time. It’s about that time to use the kitchen sink as my personal toilet.
It doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea. I mean I’m sure plenty of people have done it before. And piss is totally sterile (I think) so it won’t even really matter in the grand scheme of things. The one problem, is that my roommate might not be the biggest fan.
But as the saying goes, what they don’t know can’t hurt them. The raindance is giving out at this point and I can’t hold on. So I quickly pull down my sweatpants, position my junk, and have the sweet, sweet release.
It’s annoying because the piss is like ricocheting off the bottom of the sink and getting onto the sides of it. Its definitely not the cleanest way to piss, but it was going fine.
That is- until I heard the front door knob turn. Total red alert. My roommate usually comes home at 5pm and it was only 3pm. Who the fuck could it be? At the worst possible time?
I’m trying to finish the piss by pushing harder. The piss is ricocheting even stronger. Just my luck. I think to just stop the stream and put it back in my pants quickly, but since I had already started to push harder, the stream was practically impossible to stop. Especially in the few seconds I had left.
Honestly though, if it was my roommate, him catching me pissing in the sink isn’t the end of the world. I’m not especially scared of the dude and he’s not even the type to fight over something like this.
But the dude is a total clean freak. He literally uses special, Belgium imported dishwasher detergent. And we live in fucking Massachusetts!
If he caught me pissing in the sink. He’d totally freak out and get pissed at me. And I can’t have him pissed at me. Basically, his dad is the landlord of this place and I don’t want him blabbing to his dad about how I stuck my dink in the sink.
I already have a few violations on the lease for… other things. Another one would put me on a fast track to homelessness. And simply put, panhandling is not something I see myself doing. Unless I was panhandling for a night with Sydney Sweeney… then maybe.
Anyway, the knob is turning and I’m running out of time. I suddenly grab a cup from the counter and stick my junk in it and do a weird shimmy to the corner where he wouldn’t see me if he came in. I would have went to the bathroom but the bathroom is exactly near the front door. It would’ve been totally over.
By the way, pissing into a cup while doing a strange shimmy to an empty corner might have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. Should be an Olympic sport if I’m being honest. But then the Olympics wouldn’t be family friendly.. so maybe not.
So now I’m in the corner, still pissing into the cup, while the knob fully turns and my roommate enters the apartment. Thank God the stream stopped as soon as he walked in, or he definitely would have heard me taking a leak into the goddamn cup.
So I’m standing in the corner, pants at my ankles, hidden from view, with a piss cup in my hand. One of my proudest moments, really. Trying to stay perfectly quiet so my roommate (Josh) doesn’t suspect a thing.
And it’s going well. He just opens the door, slouches, and walks to his room. I was totally in the clear.
Until, of course, a sneeze started to come up. Perfect timing.
I try to put down the piss cup as fast as I can, cause this sneeze was building, and if I sneezed the way I was, piss was definitely going to paint our walls yellow.
Thankfully, I put the cup down successfully. Right next to me. I was clear to sneeze now. Kind of felt good to be navigating these hiccups with so much grace. And no, that wasn’t sarcasm.
The sneeze comes and I let it out. But for some reason it was such a goddamn loud sneeze. It could’ve shaken the goddamn universe basically. I practically screamed achoo. Definitely not good, considering everything.
Of course, Josh comes out of his room, muttering “what in the world was that” to himself. He walks over to where he heard the sound. Me.
Totally busted. He sees me and just looks at me with this look in his eye.
“Derek.. why are your pants at your ankles?”
I just look at him with a slight grin and say “Just enjoying the breeze.”
He then looks at the cup of piss next to me, looks back at me and says “Derek… why do you have a cup of something, next to you, with your pants at your ankles?”
I go to shove my hands into my pockets, forgetting that the pockets are on the floor. “A man can’t enjoy a cup of juice with his cock out? I thought you were gonna be home at 5”
“Derek.. what?”
“I’m just enjoying a cup of juice dude.”
“We don’t have any juice.”
I pull up my sweatpants to make this situation 75% less gay.
“Derek .. what is that?”
“It’s just juice Josh. Take it easy.”
“You had your pants around your ankles and there’s a cup filled with a mysterious liquid.. Derek what the fuck?”
“Just juice.”
“If it’s just juice, drink it.”
I go to pick up the cup. And I really don’t want to drink piss, but I’m already so far into this shit that I can’t turn back at this point. And Josh suspects that it’s my fucking piss! He’s practically 99% sure of it. I can’t not drink the piss. That’s out of the question. I have to stay the course. Ride this out.
I pick up the cup. Josh glares at me.
“Dude why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because that’s my cup, and if that’s what I think it is..”
“Alright dude just hold on”
I just stare at the cup. Never in my life did I think I would be drinking my own warm piss in front of some asshole named Josh. Life surprises you sometimes, I guess.
“Who stares at juice that way?”
“Dude, Josh. I’m just savoring the fruit punch with my eyes.”
I take an entire swig of it. Even though I wanted to take a sip. But considering I just stared at fruit punch for five seconds, I didn’t want to take a little sip and make myself even more suspect.
It tastes disgusting. Like a mixture of nickles and sweaty gym sock. I squint. My face scrunches up.
“Yeah, fruit punch definitely makes someone react that way.”
“It’s sour fruit punch”
“Derek there is no such thing as sour fruit punch.”
“Alright Josh. Whatever. You caught me. All that happened was that I was pissing in the sink and-“
“You were WHAT?”
Josh briskly walks over to the kitchen sink and sees the drops off piss all over the sides of it.
“Derek, what the FUCK?”
“Is this pee?”, he continued
“Maybe. Possibly. Just a little bit.”
“Wonderful, piss in the sink, piss in my cup, piss everywhere, apparently.”
“Look it’s fine. They just need a little soap and they’ll be as clean as ever.”
“No, Derek. You need to clean these with disinfectant”
“Dude Josh fuck you. Bossing me around?”
“You pissed everywhere!”
“You need to clean the sink with disinfectant. Im sure there’s some underneath…” He trailed off as he looked underneath the kitchen sink
After a few seconds, Josh continued, “we’re out of disinfectant. You need to run and get some more”
“Yeah I’ll sprint don’t worry”, Derek muttered
“Real funny Derek. Clean this mess up”, Josh said a bit angrily. And then he stormed back into his room.
Whatever. I’ll order some disinfectant. Mr “I’m too good for regular soap” over here, I guess.
So I go on Amazon and go to order some. Put it in my cart and everything. Go to buy it but I’m one cent short. Total bullshit.
I’m not asking Josh, he’s not gonna help me after I sprayed bodily fluids into something he drinks out of. So since I don’t have a car, I decided to walk to the store to buy what I needed.
And thus began my journey to buy some disinfectant.
(A bunch of shit happens while he walks to the store to buy it, kind of like dude where’s my car or something)
submitted by /u/lmaofoff4
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