​Yearning

Falling in love is effortless. You dont even realize it’s happening right before your very eyes.

One day you wonder how you ended up in the grocery store with a bag full of ingredients just because they mentioned “yeah, i do like chocolate chip cookies”. You end up wondering how the time passed when you were just thinking earlier what was their dream career. You end up daydreaming about your house and what your mornings will be if there were any chances of “you both” happening.

All of a sudden, you stop to think “What am I doing?”. You try to rationalize. “This is stupid” you whisper to yourself. But you seem to fall for the same routine, and you find yourself buying that one cute keychain of his favorite character from that one anime show he told you about. You feel like you dissociate from your conscious self whenever you see something that reminds you of them. Yes, indeed, falling in love is quick and easy. It’s like an unexpected rain on a friday afternoon after your last class of the week. It’s like the smell of a perfume on someone you passed by and had you thinking for days what scent she used. It’s also like studying for 5 days for a test you know so surely you’d do well, but you end up failing anyway. Falling in love is effortless, unexpected, and captivating, but it also makes you feel disappointed and anxious sometimes.

You’re left with the thought of “is this really what I want? To feel excitement and hope yet be so afraid of what tomorrow brings”. Falling in love is effortless, but it also leaves you frozen, stuck, as if your shoes are glued on the floor while you watch your life pass before your eyes. Youre unable to decide whether or not this is good for you. You don’t even realize it but it had been a while since you started to fall in love. You realized it has left you immobile over the months, and you know you threw away precious time making an effort for them and rationalizing your feelings for them.

One saturday afternoon, you see from the outside that the sky is bluer than ever, sun was peeking through the clouds, and you can hear the gust of the gentle wind and the rustling of the trees. It is quiet. The only thing you hear now is your fan. You lie on your bed. You stare at the ceiling. The next thing you know, tears start to stream from your eyes. Falling in love is effortless, but it’s either you dream or you dread. You either hope or you despair. What does it take for love to be easy once and for all? What does it take for love to take place? What does it take for love to be gentler to you?

You soothe your crying eyes, you stand up to make some orange juice, you dress yourself in decent clothing, and you go to the grocery store. But this time, you choose the ingredients for a pesto pasta–a recipe you’ve always wanted to try. As you scour one aisle after another, you pass by the bags of chocolate chips. You look at your cart; it left a pinch in your heart, but you smiled and proceeded with looking for what’s on your grocery list.

Falling in love has its wonders. It’s still love after all. And soon, you hope to not fall in love anymore, but you hope to be in love and stay in love.

-JC