Looking back, I’m wondering why… I have so many regrets, and every time I think about them, my chest hurts so much that I feel like it’s literally about to explode. My throat starts locking itself up, making it harder to breathe. And then at night, you’re so tired but you can’t sleep. The thoughts keep pouring in and you can’t do anything to shut them down. You feel like you don’t even exist anymore. You’re just like a shadow—everyone can see you, but they can’t interact with you. You’re lost in your own darkness, it’s eating you apart.
I wish I could travel back in time… I became obsessed with time travel, often watching a lot of time-travel-related movies and becoming deeply invested in it. It gave me a sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, I’d have a chance to go back and fix my mistakes. I even changed my course from sociology to physics. I wanted to learn more about it. I became obsessed with it… But the more I learned, the more I realized that it’s not possible… I’m not possible.
Are we really just a bunch of atoms? Used by each other to survive? And when our purpose has been used up, we’ll just slowly disintegrate (if you’re organic matter) or explode (if you’re a star)?
Why do I keep on living? The days go by so fast… When I’m walking back from university to my home, I don’t even realize I’ve arrived until I sit down on the couch and just stare at the painting I’ve created…
I used to be a great artist. Now… I can’t even draw. I suck at everything. Why do I keep hanging on? Why do I keep swimming when I’m just sinking? I’m grasping for air, I’m drowning, I’m suffocating, but no one else can notice. I’m just a shadow…
Time passed… My friends have left me. Well… I guess I’ll leave myself too. Some of them tried to talk to me, but I just shut them down. And when I’m engaging in conversation with them, I try to be as dismissive and counterintuitive as possible. I want them to feel the same as I feel. I want them to hate me as much as I hate myself. I want them to feel pain…
I don’t even need them! I don’t need them! They can all just leave! BUT WHY?? WHY DID THEY JUST LEAVE ME TO DROWN? I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM!
I don’t need them. Even if I told them my feelings, they wouldn’t understand. Hell, I can’t even understand it myself. I don’t know; I’m lost… Just like the void of space… I’m nothing.
I’m nothing… I’m nothing! I need your help, but why aren’t you helping me? I don’t need any of you! Help, I’m drowning. I’M DROWNING! I CAN’T BREATHE!
I guess it’s better this way unless I can’t feel pain anymore. I’ve sacrificed my feelings for a sense of comfort. Why do I need them when all I can feel is pain? Even when things make me happy, I just remove them from my life. Emotions are useless. I don’t need them. Happiness equates to sadness. If I feel nothing, I’m nothing. I don’t feel pain… It’s better like this, or is it?
submitted by /u/Aggressive_Aioli_174
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