​This is why i am who i am

It happened again

The rage it kept growing

I made the foolish mistake

Looking at old photos on the gram

I was fortunate in not acting upon it

Sparing my left hand from more scars

However The matter of the fact still remains

It was her mistake that lead to my pain

So why do i still care for her well being

I sometimes am reminded of the loss and wonder

What i would do if i ever meet that bastard

I imagine the many injustices id rain upon him

And finally watch the life drain out the many holes

Only then do i remind myself i am not that kind of man

However I fear that i am only lying to myself

I am afraid of what would happen

If again a women i loved

Planned to marry Raise kids with Build a life with

Left me for a fling rather then stick it out

I fear that the next one will be the last straw

I fear for some poor soul

For if he crosses me the wrong way

He might find himself bleeding out in an alley

As i gaze up and wonder to myself

Am i still a good person lord

I am reminded that the “first” is always the worst

Reminded by family Role models Friends

I fear that she will be the last

I fear my idea of love is so broken

I wouldnt know it if it gave me a kiss on the lips

I treated her fairly and did right by her , its her loss

Thats what my uncle and therapist said

I believe it to be true but i wonder if it wasnt enough

Leaning back drinking my beer i was tempted

In throwing the glass bottle into the street in anger

I am reminded by my morality that isnt me

I imagine myself as a threat and perhaps i am

But it would take alot for me to act upon these thoughts

He calls to me as i gaze upwards

You all good bro?

Id rather drink that 6 pack then talk about it

It is only gazing up at the night sky that i realize

People are so blinded by the moon

They forget the stars exist

Perhaps too have i been so blinded

By all the wrong in my life the awful moments

The lowest points in my life that i forgot the good

We focus upon the worst and escalate the situation

If it were so simple to stop

I wouldnt be drinking gazing upwards at the sky

Every chance i got so i can remember

All the times we gazed together happily so i love

That the world wouldn’t stop spinning

We couldn’t stop smiling

Now I smile and cry