​”How are you this morning?”

Deep breath…. (sigh)

Sometimes I feel that I don’t feel anything. It fills me with anguish because is as if I have lost the ability to feel love for anybody // I’m too soft for this.

I don’t want to be alone, but i need to learn how to be alone.

Im broken, sick, nobody cares. I’m muted for the world, it doesn’t matter how loud I get.

Im never enough, never good enough, never pretty enough, never skinny enough, never respectful enough, never care enough, never do enough… Theres always something I’m not seeing, something I’m missing, something never quite fits, there’s always something I’m doing wrong.

I dont, have any more for people to take, they keep carving…and soon nothing would be left.

I can’t give up control, that would mean everything it’s preordained, and if everything is preordained then whats the point of living?. No matter what I do I will fail, no matter how hard I work I never be were I want to be. How can you live like this? How can you be ok with this? How can you find comfort in this? There will be water if God will it, but what if he doesn’t? What if he dgaf? Why make you go through all this hoops, it won’t make any difference? What’s the point? Why bother??…

I bother… because every morning he comes to me, bringing sunlight with his smile and happy voice, with his weird impossible questions, with his curiosity and excitement for the silliest things, because he sees me and see the whole world, and it’s warm and bright.

And yet im terrified, that one day he’ll see me, and see the thunderstorms brewing…. I’m exhausted… And I’m afraid.

………………………………………………………… Designated smile of the day…(breath in)

“oh.. you know same old same old “

“haha, yeah don’t we all?’” ok, let’s review the schedule for…”