​heh..

I resent almost everyone in my life. I feel I can hardly speak anymore, like I am no longer here. Sometimes I start to talk, and I don’t stop. I don’t know what I say anymore. I wake up every day at 5 or 6 unable to breathe, some mornings I even find myself hunched over the toilet. I feel the germs on my fingers. I can feel my throat open and close. Ever since I was little, the people I have cared about have ended up being something I fear so passionately, that they make me gag.

I want to light a torch and swallow it, so that my insides could burn and melt in the most painful way possible. I want to chew my tongue into mush. I want to pull apart my skin so that I am left a bloody figure. I want to be completely erased without even knowing. I don’t want to be dead, I just want to have never existed. If I can only be happy in the presence of other people, how am I supposed to be alive in ten years when I have no friends?

I hear my parents talk about me when their bedroom door is left open. I hear the things my friends say about me. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me, that I can’t fill this hole myself. Every time I host, pay for them, listen to them, or do anything a normal person would, it isn’t because I am nice. It is because there is a hole in me that I wish to be filled. I am full of love for others, and that is what leaves the hole inside of me.

I lie constantly. I have not once reflected the honesty I confront myself with in my mind. I know what I do wrong and I confront myself, but I never seem to change. I think I’m smarter than everyone else, not academically, just socially. I can see through people, see through their words and the flesh on their faces. Their faces mold a certain way when they speak, shaped specifically to deceive others, and all I can see underneath is selfish greed. Most humans are so unintelligent they don’t even realize they operate like this. I see myself acting this way and have come to the conclusion that this is how humans are wired. I despise everyone. Some I despise less than others. In particular, I hate the kids I go to school with. They all think they’re superior to one another. None of them actually like each other either. Humans look disgusting. I hate people as if they aren’t people at all, more like loose skin and eyeballs that behave in certain ways.

I told my psychiatrist I was fine. She said, “The sooner you tell me how you truly feel, the easier it will be to help you.” I clenched my pants and stayed quiet. Then I cried. It wasn’t aggressive, just a couple tears. I don’t want to be treated. I don’t want pills. I hate the way I am, yet I refuse to help myself.

Some days I wake up and my eyesight feels slow and behind the movements of my body.

I’m in so much pain and I feel so sick.