​I just work here.

Ring ring

I ignore it.

Ring ring

Ring ring

I press the big red button. It shuts up. I appreciate their concern, but I will do this on my own. My mind is clear. I know what to do.

It’s just another nightshift. Another shift in purgatory. Does that turn this route I’m walking into my River Styx? No, that doesn’t really fit. It’s not a river after all.

“All his blood, sweat and tears combined to birth… this. How pridefully pathetic.” I proudly proclaim towards the concrete abomination. It stays silent. Good.

I walk into the beast’s mouth. It’s dark, but I know where to go.

“Why do I even bother paying for electricity?” Oh, right. Blind customers. They need the light to see. I reluctantly flip the switch.

And there it is again – the buzzing. The eternal, relentless buzzing. The buzzing persists, always. At least there’s a noise to focus on.

This is the last shift. My mind is clear. I know what to do. I know that I’m going to kill the beast tonight.

3 minutes into the shift

Routine. I need to follow the routine to gain control. Over him.

I look through the rows of alleys and valleys. Three boxes of plain grain cereal have toppled over. One medium-sized bag of milk has spilled and is lying dead on the ground. The candy bars have been moved again – I think the raccoons from next door are trying to cause a revolution amongst them.

But I bring everything under control again. I have things under control.

“But I’m just following his control again, no? Following his order again, no?” Yes, that’s right. I’m making the same mistake again. I can’t expect new results from the same actions. I must defy him, tonight. And yet, I need to follow the beast’s rules just enough to appease it for one last night.

62 minutes into the shift

I continue standing at the counter. I remember that I’m supposed to stand behind the counter, so I do that. Maybe some order is in order. Nevertheless, I am still in control.

I stand behind the counter and wait. There aren’t many customers tonight, so I stare at the wall that is facing me. I stare at the crack in the wall that is facing me.

“I don’t care if you’re smiling at me” I mutter with bare confidence. It’s smiling at me. I smile back. I’m going to win this competition, I’m going to be the last one smiling.

Ding ding A customer arrives.

I pay the visitor no mind, I just keep smiling. After 28 milliseconds, I notice the customer standing at the counter. He said something inexplicable.

“Sorry, could you repeat that?”

“Huh? I said ‘have a nice shift’.”

“Right, you too.” His face contorts to an unidentifiable expression. I think he doesn’t like his job. Too bad. We all have our shifts to work.

87 minutes into the shift

“If you continue smiling, I’ll just cover you up.” I say blankly. It’s a worthless threat. No matter what I put over it, it persists. It continues smiling underneath.

“You won’t be smiling after tonight, I promise you th-”

Ding ding A customer arrives.

I remember her. She always arrives at this time. She’s always here, except she isn’t, really. Or maybe I’m just not there, in her world. That would make sense too, yes.

She follows her natural pathing towards the beverages. A six second stare at the crack. Beverages again. She observes every type of poison. She chooses the cheapest bottle of alcohol. She observes it further. Her gaze is superficial. She doesn’t even see that it is long past its expiration date. She drinks a sip. She puts it back. She doesn’t bother looking at the crack again. She leaves, she disappears. Again.

I question, as always – If I made the crack stop smiling, would she talk to me again? I don’t answer. Wait, if I kill the beast after tonight… Will she even come back? Will I ever see her again? I don’t answer, again.

“A butterfly’s wings can cause earthquakes.” Yes, I remember. I’m aware. I’m aware that… I’m aware. I’m aware that I’m aware that I’m awar-

Ding ding A customer arrives.

109 minutes into the shift

The bell rang. It says Ding ding – “A customer arrives”. But there is no customer.

I walk over to the maw of the beast and inspect the mischievous bell. It hangs there in shameful silence for attempting to trick me.

Though I wonder – Did she come back, only to leave again? Why? Why would she? Was she taunting me? She was taunting me like the bell was taunting me, like the crack was taunting me, like she was taunting m-

You notice your throat is dry. You don’t remember how to swallow. You need a break, you need to drink something.

128 minutes into the shift

You need to drink something.

“But can I? I own all this, yes, but I just work here, right? In the end, I just work here, for him, no? I don’t own any of this, do I?” You are correct. But, you remember – There is something you can drink.

You were only ever allowed to take the expired product. He told you so. You are only ever allowed to take the expired product.

You need to drink something. You drag yourself over to the aisle of poison. You grasp him in your trembling hands. You tear him open and push yourself to drink his blood. You need to drink something.

You take a sip. It tastes like poison. It is poison. You wonder – Just how could he call himself human, guzzling down poison like this to quench his unquenchable thirst? Your insides burn. They are still thirsty. You need to drink something.

140 minutes into the shift

You sheepishly grasp his empty remains. You let go. He shatters before your feet with a convincing shatter, as if he were made of glass. You broke him. You consumed him. You pause. You think. You understand the mistake of your actions.

“Wait, doesn’t that mean…?” Yes. You must expel the poison. You reach deep inside. Your body expels the poison, expels him. You reach even deeper inside. You rip and claw at your insides to grab his full essence and expel it. You expel all the poison you can expel. You are satisfied, for now.

You need to clean up the mess you have made.

166 minutes into the shift

You pour a sea of the cleansing liquid onto the putrid stain that is his remains. The faint alkaline mist burns your eyes. You are happy. You finally have a reason to cry now.

You wonder – Drinking it should clean you from the inside. You raise the container and welcome the flood of cleansing liq-

Ding ding A customer arrives.

You turn and peek over the aisle, and you freeze in shock. You remember him.

You duck down, but you know he has seen you. His steps come closer, and the acquainted stranger stands before you. You think he’s attempting to smile, but his eyes are that of a predator being worried for his prey. How pathetic – You are the prey.

“No, I don’t think he’s…” You stop. You see how he sees you talking to yourself. Now, you truly do look pathetic. He coughs.

“Well now, it sure has been some time since we last met, huh?” He laughs.

You resist throwing the bleach into his eyes as he reaches out to pat you on the shoulder.

“You still remember this old friend’s face, right? I sure as hell remember yours! How could I forget you, bud!” You remember the competition you had with the crack and smile.

“Sure, I remember.” He musters up the courage to glance at his remains.

“I can see you’ve been doing a fine job taking care of this little store. Gas ‘s been getting expensive, you must be doing well for yourself to keep those prices so low!” You remember you haven’t changed the gas prices in eight months now.

“Say, are you still helping out your Dad, or have you taken this whole thing over? I know he’s never really trusted you to run this by yourself, but look at you now!” Yes. You have always been considered special. Never normal. Pathetic, indeed. You laugh.

“Dad’s dead.” You stare into the black holes that reside in his eyes with a smile. He laughs. He is confused.

“Sorry, I lied.” You add blankly. You didn’t, and at the same time, you did. Lying about lying is easier than to explain the truth. You smile even more, now that he is even more confused.

“Alrighty, guess I’ll be checking up on that geezer from time to time, now that I’m around again. I’ll just… Get going now. Hope ya have a good shift!” He turns away and directs his attention at the entrance, or rather, the exit.

“Do you see that crack over there?” You ask him the question. That is a very smart question, indeed. He turns to face you again. You point at the crack. He stares at it. He stares back at you.

“Hm? Doesn’t look like much to me, I gotta say.” You smile. You knew he would say something like that. They’re blind. They’re all blind.

259 minutes into the shift

“Can we call it a draw?” No. You have lost the smiling competition with the crack, once again. It is only in your nature. You are a loser, after all.

“Then tell me how I can win. You’re not very helpful, you know.” You can’t win. A loser doesn’t win. You were never taught anything else, so it’s not your fault. You can be happy about that.

“I won’t accept that. I won’t be a loser anymore.” You notice you are starting to sound like the hero, unwilling to accept defeat at the hands of the villain. You are not the hero.

“So… I am…” Yes, that’s right. You are the hero’s sidekick, considering making a desperate attempt at a heroic sacrifice. You think.

“So you’re saying I should burn all this to the ground?” You said that. Only you said that. There aren’t many customers tonight, anyway. You don’t think many would miss him.

“But what if I don’t finish the shift. He’ll get angry with me. I’ll lose my job, and you know how hard it is for me to get another one. I won’t be able to hear the soothing buzzing anymore. The crack will get angry with me for trying to burn it. She won’t ever visit me again…” You are rambling. You don’t even know what you want to do. What you want to keep, what should burn and disappear.

Finish the shift.

421 minutes into the shift

Ding ding A customer arrives.

You know this customer. You remember that you are a customer of his, or at least, you were. You are confused. It seems this alleged angel has shed its white robes, and is clothed like a normal customer. You were told he was an angel. But you remember someone else who also wears white.

“So you’re saying he’s Satan? No, but he tried to help, it just didn’t really…” You continue your line of thought.

“It just didn’t really work.” You are correct, mostly. It did work, it worked in wasting your efforts, betraying you, enslaving you.

“Thank God you’re here. We’ve been trying to contact you for the past few weeks now, you see. Haven’t you been receiving our calls? Our letters?” You are reminded of the unpleasant Ring ring. You stare at him blankly. He stares at you blankly, too. He notices something.

“You… smell a little. You haven’t been drinking, right? We told you how that could cause complica…” You don’t bother listening. You are too occupied with the fact that you didn’t drink the cleansing liquid. Now, you even reek of him.

“…rything alright?” You stare in silence. You don’t even remotely register his underlying motives. He sighs.

“I’m on my time off here. We can talk more freely here. Please, I really want to help.” You notice a change in his behavior. He is more soft spoken than he has ever been before in his existence as an angel. How ironic. You want to cry. You don’t even know why. So you don’t.

“Thanks.” You think that coming off as thankful may leave you in peace more quickly.

“No, I really am thankful.” You are lying to yourself. So is he.

“I’m glad to hear that. I’m happy to see you’ve been out working again. Really, that’s very good.” SIlence. You think you don’t hear the buzzing anymore.

Wait… Are you ignoring me?

When you see it like that, maybe he’s right. Maybe some things have been getting better for me. I went out for a walk four days ago. That was nice. I managed to buy groceries yesterday, everything I wrote down on the list even. That was nice, too. And I’m almost finished with my shift, right?

Though looking back, maybe this wasn’t the best shift. I don’t even remember much of anything. But at least, I’m aware, right? My mind is clear. I know what to do. Yes, I do remember, I’ll close down this gas station and finally leave him behind me. I’ll finally be free fro-

“Wasn’t there a saying you told me your mother always used to say? Something about a butterfly, wasn’t it?” What? No, please. Please just don’t continue talk-

“About how a butterfly’s wings can cause earthquakes, right? Small things really can lead to big changes, you know.” The silence stops. Why? Why, I was so close I was s-

You remember. You remember the crack. You remember her. You remember how you reek of him. You remember that the poison is still inside you. It always has. You remember your only option. You remember how you can win. You smile.

“Nevertheless, I’d appreciate it if we could still meet from time to time. No need to visit me while I’m on the job, if you prefer to just talk casually, like we’re doing it right now.” He puts on a smile that is indistinguishable from a fake one.

“Sure.” You smile. With genuine happiness. Your mind really is clear.

“Perfect, I’ll make sure to come by here whenever I can. Until then, I hope you’ll have a nice shift!” You observe him leave the beast. You’re alone, again.

455 minutes into the shift

Buzzing. No silence, no Ding ding, no Ring ring. Just buzzing. You know the shift is over soon. You know what to do.

“Can you shut up and let me think? This is important.” Yes, it is important. You don’t need to think about it, you already know what to do.

“I need to kill the beast. I need to close down the gas station.” You know you’re forgetting something. You will lose your job, you will lose the noise, you will lose the crack, you will lose her. You will lose everything.

“But I’ll be free of him, too. It’s better that wa-” You know you’re forgetting something. The beast is far more than just this place.

“I’ll figure it out, I’ll figure it out on my own. I don’t need y-”

Ding ding A customer arrives.

You don’t bother looking up. You don’t bother seeing the customer.

“Those pumps outside still work? No harm in me trying, right?” Right.

“A lighter too, please. I need a lighter too.” You grab a lighter. The customer leaves. You don’t think he paid. Silence. You stand in silence.

After what feels like an eternity, you notice a long-anticipated smell. The faint smell of freedom.

This is the only way you can win.