​You Did Nothing to Forgive, But I Did

I remember the first day we met. It was a relatively new town, new school, and a new job. It all seemed so new to me because, while I had lived there for years, I was still an outsider. I was sprinting, falling into what it meant to be a woman. My home was the epitome of survival and I was wasting away with relationships I never dared let get too close. Maybe that’s where the downfall began. Not after our countless conversations under the stars of a dimly lit parking lot and not after I decided to date your best friend. It began with me.

I still remember the first time we spoke. I was the only one in our department sequestered to the most difficult and laborious section of the store. I loved it, though. And to think I was more than a little annoyed that you and everyone else came to help at the end still makes me laugh. We hit it off quickly like old friends bantering after years of seeing each other. I remember the look on your face when you said talking to me was easy and receiving. I remember the nights we spent laying on the grass talking and watching the stars. How we would have to brush the grass off our clothes and how you made sure I avoided the hole I fell into.

It seems too soon after that we fell apart. I was unruly, confident, assertive, and beginning to see my own beauty. The ones I called friends speaking about me in hushed tones and then stopping when I’d walk by, glaring their unbridled hate towards me. I remember the day you stopped talking to me. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, break my bones into dust and offer them to anyone womho would tell me what I’d done wrong. I should’ve asked you that day. I was hurt and said something hurtful to those very people. “He had his chance, but didn’t take it.” Those words that I said dutifully made their way back to you. I dont blame you for hating me. I would hate me, too. Your best friend, who was always quiet on our lunch breaks, was one of the only ones there who didn’t hate me. I took advantage of the naive feeling of love and comfort, to replace what I held for you.

I remember the day I reached out to you. I still had your number then. I was wishing for reconciliation even though I knew it was unlikely. I apologized and wanted forgiveness for whatever it was that I had done. But, I never heard from you again.

I just wanted you to know that I dont blame you and I still love you.