​Before a late night walk

Empty coffee mugs scattered over the room, on the desk and on the floor, I was lying on my bed and thinking about that moment I had in the faculty this morning…. Im very disappointed with what’s happening to me in this fac, seeing more and understanding more, I thought this is gonna bring me closer to people, but the fact it separates me, I walk into a classroom and people are laughing at smth I don’t find funny, I smile but inside im in another different world, physically present but spiritually im somewhere else , thinking about smth else…… idk why most of the time I can’t share my thoughts with them or say what is in my mind, most of the time I choose silence until it is necessarily to speak, it is like a delaying strategy, the more I panic the more I be productive . And why is it much harder to make friends there, cuz deep down I may still want that connection or whatever, but it feels safer to stay distant, idk if it’s just me overthinking excuses, that i tend to pull away cuz Id feel uncomfortable with the emotional closeness or whatever , or is it my personality that forces me to be perfect or never…… I couldn’t stand my self for a while so I decided to go for a late night walk believing that it would make me feel better….