​An open letter to whom it may concern.

I have repeatedly been spoon-fed the idea that my best skill in life is not singing and bringing joy and illumination of the human condition onstage, but instead that I am to be an online performer of pornography, sold a promise that I can make large sums of money if I only would agree to do so, and that by doing so I will finally have a place where I can determine how to run my life without outside interference, which I believe has come not only from the people back home, but also those whom I have interacted with here in my current location. Discovering that most if not all of my interactions are logged, reported to higher-up’s to gauge my performances and that people are rating the satisfaction through feedback to create a composite score and that people were doing so to create a fuller picture of my interior world, to ascertain which situations should be placed in my view on social media to determine what situations might cause to me to agree to such an idea. Hoping to make the idea seem not only appealing but EXTREMELY lucrative and to discount my passion for the art that I had grown up pursuing hoping that one day it might provide but content to do so with my peers at any level of the industry, because it brought such joy to my spirit. To my knowledge, this has happened for nearly two years and it has painted a rather slow and insidious coercion and control of not only myself but several other employees whom have in a roundabout way let their dissatisfaction known.

I have seen several videos that have been deepfaked using not only my image but the images of several people with whom I came to be in a cohort with and have contained several pieces of information not accessible to the public, or personal items that I’d recognize from back home that are either unique which were deliberately planted to determine how and what could used to trigger a mental breakdown. This caused me to feel like I was falling into a psychosis and I cannot say that isn’t viable and could explain some of the symptoms, but I have continued to puzzle over this and I now feel it was designed to create a rather grueling and deliberate entrapment of the freedom of movement of mind body and soul. The architect of the games creates the rules by which the class after will have to work under, and when discovering how this caused me to feel, only served to further isolate me from my goals and aspirations. Encouraging through vague messaging what is expected to complete these tasks lead me to even further confusion, and I feel it ends up deluding those of us with neurodivergent minds and with no sense of support. Now, when you add that to crushing shame over relapsing and the continued belief that those who opposed me were against me using my gifts and talents in a way they viewed as devaluing of my potential, and while I do believe that this type of relationship has value and would never desire to shame another for how they manage to eat or put a roof over their heads, I found that I simply couldn’t do it. I could go out and enjoy myself but I admit that I ruminated upon these ideas and determined which way to go based on what I felt was right at the time. I have kept making choices daily in service to what I felt was healing, but for me, sometimes it caused more trauma to bubble up to the surface, and was part of the reason I was unable to perform simple duties such as clean and wash the house consistently without going into functional freeze and shutting down mentally, all the while trying to jump through the hoops needed to get and keep a job. I have come to realize that this is akin to psychological warfare – a personal degradation in service to creating a new more controllable mental state. To encourage the drone to work more effectively and obediently and come to the idea that wealth awaits each of the chosen ones,meatball the while, I was unknowingly inviting the world into my intimate spaces, which I had noticed creates systemic damage in a stratified program in a not so secret competition, with built in challenges and obstacles, and whose purpose is designed to test fortitude, foresight and overall confidence in the target. To ascertain what percentage of success they achieved in their first year having been meant to target and defame thoesof lower classes and minorities by encouraging them pursue a life of making money off of what should be an act of connection and joy between adults. While yes, the world needs a release from the rigid and strait laced world in which most operate,and the arts in all forms are there to provide such an escape, to deliberately create and promote these ideals and force anyone to believe that is the only path to prosperity in the entertainment field is abhorrent.

I believe that I was chosen to be the person to test this idea was because of the fact that I have a long and varied experience with the arts, although for years I labored in relative obscurity…at least that was what I believed was the truth. To discover that there are so many persons, who revealing through the tone of their language or turns of phrases that they use that they have seen me in performance, including those that I felt were private and personal works I never meant to be released to the public, as they sprung from the deepest wounds of my past, was dmorrializwand through these acts I was exploring themes and experiences to heal and release these experiences from the shame and guilt that I, a victim who in search of being a victor of sexual abuse, would never have perpetuated take the garbage that was implanted . NDL in my mind had to be generations of abuse that had never been addressed and dump it into the minds of others was never my intent. I had believed that I was with an adult who struggled with the same types of trauma that I had and that through joining together we would be purging these ideas from our bodies as a cleansing and healing process. I now see the error of my ways and that I was only spreading the harmful effects of what, sadly, is a common experience for a majority of our society. To ignore the pain and suffering paints an incomplete picture and cheapens the work done during this period. As a young person who comes from a background of the severe disadvantage, it was always hard to make ends meet, and I found myself running into the arms of another not only seeking connection, but stability of a fiscal, emotional and spiritual nature, but being viewed by others as “bringing nothing to the table” always meant that I was preyed upon as a person who would perform these acts for financial stability, or to feed my addiction so that I simply could get up and out of bed each day and perform the duties that many others do, with and without support from others. I don’t simply mean that the domestic duties are to be treated as equitable compensation for a living situation, although I am extremely grateful to be able to perform those tasks to keep a roof over my head, but the idea that there is to be a reasonable amount of work that each household member takes on to run a harmonious house is one of the most significant signifiers of a successful household. Equitable work should lift all persons, not just enriching the head of household to enable the attitude of being Lord of the manor. There was objection after objection that I raised about how I didn’t want to monetize the images of me in the depths of my addiction, informed others that I wished to prevent the glamorization and promotion of what I viewed some of the most damaging and harmful aspects of sexual abuse and drug addiction. It is not lost on me that even while I and some others consider it physically attractive, it has deep implications on my healing journey, informing me of just how much more work I have to do in service of my growth outside of the boudoir, and prevents the streetlights the chance to Illuminate the pathway of freedom from daily use for any others who desire to unshackle themselves from compulsive pursuit of these substances. Instead I’m choosing to walk a path, while uncertain, unfurls beneath our feet to lead the way recuperation of the individual. As I meet people from all walks of life who are at a moment of introspection. I wish to show in hope that we are lead to the place where are supposed to be, and that I instead desire to advocate for the rights of the individual to commit to chart their own course.

I found myself moving into a condo, in which I enjoyed the amenities and privileges of. I started to feel as though I was losing my drive t change my situation. Lead through my perception that I had taken on more responsibility than I had capacity for I knew didn’t desire to be a in-home servant, but knowing how I could help was a difficult decision and before I had more to because of my when I had come into this as a renter, and then circumstances required me to leave that job due to addiction of not only myself but of the other person, so I agreed to stay in to watch the dog and make sure that she was fed and cared for, because like children, animals have no control over how they are raised, and it is the responsibility of our society to look after them, however I now see that this inner knowing was used as a way to sever me from my higher powering service to was a plot to cause me to remain in this house and become a helpmate, which is precisely what I had left in previous relationships hoping to find a partner who would uplift me, that saw my goals as important to the growth of my own spirit and to the glorification of the gifts endowed by the creator above. Now, I don’t profess to have the strongest of faiths, I struggle all the time and am easily influenced by the media consumed and the ideas of others, because I have always tried to listen to and understand all sides of a situation before I make my own determinations. In doing so I have embraced things in the past which did not serve me, instead bringing me great distress and informing my issues of self worth and belonging. Many of us deal with things which we desire to only speak to our higher power about or a qualified professional who is in service to the healing of our mind, body, and spirit, but few have to so publicly admit their faults or even worse yet, have the supplied to the world at large so that they can be dissected studied and turned into entertainment for the populace. Life often imitates art, however there have been far too many instances of this happening for me to deny my discernment and state that this is more than correlation, but is a causation. I firmly attest to my belief in this, as I believe it is a part of a well crafted plan, and also informed by the the higher power to illuminate the level of manipulation that is possible with modern technologies. Admittedly, I am a drug addict, who has been addicted to Methamphetamine for around two years, and have never shied away from drugs as a escape from the constraints of a society ill equipped to address the issues of the poorest among us, and also as an intellectual who believes that there are reasons why the natural medicines of the earth work upon our bodies in a manner which helps to relieve stress, anxiety and many other medical conditions. When one cannot access medical care in a timely fashion or doesn’t have the resources or capacity to do so without assistance, It becomes a hurdle to accessing the tools needed to heal, be they pharmaceutical or holistic, and so it is simply human nature to find what is available to alleviate those symptoms, and while I do believe that they can cause major harm, as I have experienced firsthand, I do not judge those of us who have fallen into addiction, for lack of better coping skills, and a support system ill equipped to handle the global epidemic of drug addiction. Also, as one who has been in numerous relationships, some of those were not in a dynamic that was empowering, mostly because of years of unhealed and unaddressed traumas that were then preyed upon by those who desire to control another through coercion, manipulation, or other methods which deny the autonomy of the individual to serve the desires of those who wish to be leaders over others while not inspiring healthy leadership and living that in their own lives. It is for this reason that I hereby resign from this competition, for the sake of my mental health and the desire to no longer perpetuate these paradigms into the world. I desire to go back to the one thing that always kept me going through the darkest moments of not only my life but the lives of so many others, music and the arts. I truly believe that by writing about our experiences and sharing them in song, paint, dramatization and several other ways we can enrich ourselves and create a safer more harmonious world. When a choir sings, they breathe as one, their heartbeats sync together and craft a peace that is much harder to achieve as a singular person. It is through the independence of the person to seek interdependence with a group to create something greater than the ability of one, that we achieve the peace that is necessary to create a lasting harmony between ourselves and the world we are tasked with being the good stewards of. I don’t say this to discount those who sing a different tune, for I do believe that there is room for many different rhythms and melodies in our global orchestra, and all are a part of the contribution to our collective greatness, which is ours to miss or achieve through the choices in which we make. I ask for the chance to heal in a manner that serves me without the glare of the public, forging the promises of wealth unfathomable to a man of my station, to pursue a path of reconciliation and a life determined by my own heart and communion with spirit. I do not wish to further discuss this matter in public, and hope that this is an adequate explanation for my recent struggles and decisions made in the confusion and ignorance of a man who was constantly grasping at straws and solely trying to understand the world in which I found myself. With love, liberty and kindness for all.