​Dear Little Me

Dear Redacted,

There are so many adventures ahead. Well, perhaps “adventures” isn’t an appropriate way to describe the future that is in store for you. What would I even label the events ahead of you? Misadventures? Misfortune? Tribulations? Calamity? Yes, that seems suitable. There is calamity ahead of you. An unimaginable destruction of who you are, what you believe, and how you perceive the world? You’re not ready. There’s nothing you can do to prepare. Right now, you are a bright-eyed and jubilant child. You don’t see yourself as young-minded. In fact, your hubris leads you to believe that you have all the knowledge there is to know to navigate life. Sure, you may not know what the pang in your chest is whenever you think about defying your mother. Yes, anxiety isn’t a part of your vocabulary yet. Indeed, you assume that the weasel that claws at your lungs when you inhale is typical. But the manner at which you move through the world at the velocity of an airplane will not last forever. You may feel the air under your wings, swoop through the clouds of your neurodivergence and corkscrew through the winds that threaten to knock you off course, but you’ll eventually run out of fuel. Systems will fail. The motor of your anxiety will no longer be enough to propel you through life. What is this occurrence you ask? It’s called depression. Depression will take you places you never thought possible. You won’t hit rock bottom. No… You’ll crash through the rocks and melt in the fire of the earth’s inner-most layer. The burn of addiction will vaporize your will to live. The gravity of your sadness will marbleize your bones. The toxic fumes of an abusive relationship will poison your own thoughts against you. The magma of homelessness will harden you. You’ll do things you won’t believe. You’ll lie to hide your shame. Lie to your mom, your friends, and even yourself. You’ll lie so much that reality will slip away from you. You’ll have sex that you don’t want. Suck cocks that ejaculate semen and seminal lessons down your throat. There will be pain. Insecurity. Failure. But you’ll also learn about yourself. You’ll confront trauma you didn’t even know you had. You’ll find strength within you that you didn’t think you could find. I will not claim to have all the answers right now. I still fear failure. I’m still insecure. I even still see the crust of the earth inches from my face, beckoning to me. However, you’ll achieve what 99.9% of species didn’t… Survival. What is the value of survival you ask? Where’s the triumph in all this suffering? It is in your scars. The stories you’ll be able to tell. Maybe the narrative of your life will help people someday. Maybe even this very letter will impact someone. I don’t know. What I do know however, is that I love you. I will vow to do what I can to protect you – I promise.