​Something I started today

Content warning: suicide & addiction

“Good afternoon everyone were going to start are meeting with a reading of the twelve traditions”

I sat quietly, expressionless, I let the sound of there voice wash over me. Anything to break up the monotony of the static constantly droning on in my mind. I had never got a sponsor or really ever considered it. I had only ever completed the first step which is admitting I am an addict, but I’ve come to realize that were all addicts every human from the moment of birth is dependent on something other than our selves to sustain are existence. I felt no reason to quit using my substance of choice because as the big book said ‘our liquor is but a symptom’.

They opened up the floor to discussion. A woman raised her hand and began to speak.

“Hello my name is Wanda and I’m an alcoholic”

“Hello Wanda” the room retorted.

She continued “So lately I’ve really been struggling to keep myself…” she paused as if she were searching carefully for her next words. “At peace. Three years ago my son JJ was hit by a car and killed. I had struggled with alcohol for years but after that I just lost it. I was drinking myself sloppy every day after work. I would show up to work drunk reeking of alcohol to the point my supervisor pulled me aside and said ‘if you dont get your self some help were going to have to fire you’. I checked myself into rehab and god willing I’ll be 6 months sober next Sunday.”

The room applauded.

She began to weep “I just wish my son could be here to see me get better. His whole life he watched me struggle to take care of him and his sisters. I tried to be the best mother I could but…” she paused “I’m sorry. Thank you for listening to what I had to say.”

The room responded “Thank you for sharing”

The speaker looked around the room and said “any body else want to share?”

I raised my hand.

“Go ahead” the speaker ushered.

“Hello my name is Jesse and I’m an alcoholic” I spoke.

“Hello Jesse”

“I’ve been in and out of the rooms for the past few months. I recently have come to realize even though I had never touched alcohol til the age of 25. I’ve been an alcoholic from the day I stepped foot on this earth. There’s been a pit in my heart only alcohol could seem to fill. My whole childhood I wished I would one day find happiness. I would fantasize about the girl I might meet who would show me love. I grew and waited but I never could find myself able to trust. I would have rather lived my life as a worm than the life I’ve lived.” I pulled out a 357 magnum and put to my chin and pulled the trigger. I died.

People began screaming.

“OH my God. OH my God.” The woman sitting behind me screamed. Covered in my blood and brain matter. Traumatized, shock setting in.

“Stop panicking we’re going to call 911” the speaker said trying his best to remain calm while remembering how close he was to meeting the same fate as I.