The strong one. The fixer. The protector. The one that always has a back up plan. “Play the part.”
I understand. I always do. The strong one. The fixer. The protector. Give him space. Let him breathe. Maybe… he didn’t mean it. Maybe something happened and he can’t tell me. Maybe I let him think I don’t need him. Or.. maybe… just maybe….
Maybe I played the part too well. The mask, too convincing. “Don’t be needy. Don’t ask for anything. Just give. And give again. And give some more. Honor your father, it’s your last chance. Ignore that whisper. It’s nothing. Not important. It doesn’t need to be answered. Or addressed. It doesn’t even need a name. Just smile and joke and support. Be just open enough, but don’t ever open that door. Not all the way at least… lest that pain that hasn’t been banished come out. Just smile and agree. Don’t push, you don’t want to be too much again. You remember what happened last time. You don’t want to lose him… don’t let him see it. Not yet. maybe never. No need anymore. It’s been so long it’s not important. Not fair anymore”…
The inner monologue that keeps me quiet while that 19 year old girl, full of confusion and pain and a need for answers, slowly starves behind the barely cracked door of my brain…. She peeks out long enough for me to think about speaking. In those moments where I look too long. Think too long. Lose focus on the mask for too long… but not enough to break free.
“Not now, the kids are here. Not now, he needs this space. Not now, he’s stressed. Not now, I have bigger bodies to bury and hide from other closets in other corners of my mind. Not now,” I tell her. “Not yet. Just let me smile. Let me exist as the daughter I never was allowed to be. To a man so full of love and understanding and patience and strength and… so many things you never got to see.” ….
But… it was spiral I couldn’t predict. Couldn’t control. Where is he? I need him. He’s always here, he said he always would be. He promised.
Dizzy… I forgot to block the door. It’ll be fine… just stay put. He’ll be here. He always is. He promised.
And with two sentences read through a haze… she grabs me as the wall goes up… and together… we start to fall…
“Abandoned”, she whispers in my ear, but somehow it feels like a blaring scream. “No!” I shake my head. It can’t be. He’ll be here. He always is. He promised. We promised…
Spiraling. Eyes closed. Her grasp so tight I can no longer tell her… from me. Her whispers become my thoughts. Broken. Expendable. Mistake. Too much, yet not enough…
I wasn’t enough… not again. Not. Again. Not enough? Or maybe too much? “You pushed too hard.” Her thoughts? Or mine? “You did this. You did it again. You let it slip. You. The fixer. The protector. The strong one. Pushed him too far… you let the leash slip. Got too close. Said too much.”
Spiraling, but on solid ground, I clutch my head, hoping to separate us. But she’s there. The girl i kept locked up. “I know better”, I tell her. “Do you?”“Yes! He said he’d be here. He always is…” but he broke his promise…. So… maybe she’s right…
He left once… he was the first to go… before I even knew who he was. Who I was. He was gone… without a trace…. So he could do it again….
The spiraling slows… gritting my teeth. Willing, pleading, begging it to stop! I understand. I always do. The strong one. The fixer. The protector. The one that always has a backup plan… always plays the part…
Give him space. Let him breathe. Maybe… he didn’t mean it. Maybe something happened and he can’t tell me. Maybe… I let him think that I don’t need him. Or maybe… just maybe…
Spiraling. Again… Falling. Again. Abandoned… but it’s no longer just me… the haze clears… it’s me… and her… her grasp now an embrace… alone… But together…
“I did this… I showed him the strong one. The fixer. The protector. But not us… I hid the part of me that is you… confused, hurting, longing, needing… hid you behind the mask so he wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t feel bad. So he wouldn’t blame himself, for the pain… but maybe… just maybe… THAT was the mistake…”
submitted by /u/Sun_Beanie23
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