​The French Rivieira

Pauline awoke at the same time as usual, with the sun half-hidden behind the lazy dark blue waves of the mediterranean and the birds occasionally interjecting on the chatter of the crickets. She stared out onto this scene with a blank yet peaceful expression, feeling the familiar warmth of her coffee in her hands and in her belly. Here she stood for a while, in a muse, and once she heard her husband rousing, she stepped out of the sliding doors into the back garden, slipping out of her robe leaving her naked.

Down she stepped through the garden, round the winding paths through the shrubs and through the gate onto the cool sand. She relished each step, feeling the soft grains slide through the gaps in her toes. By now, the sun had grown in confidence, showing its full form over the ocean horizon. She heard cars driving past the front of the house, taking their drivers to their place of work, and she quickened her pace to the beckening sea.

Without hesitation, she plunged in. feeling the rush of cool water in her ears. She felt that the only place her mind could be still was in the sea, it forced her to be grounded to the Earth, to respect its laws and certainties. It made her aware of her tiny significance on this ancient ball of rock, and she liked it.

Head down, she crawled; cutting through the water out into the open space. Once she could go no further, she rolled onto her back, and lay there in tranquillity. She leant forward and tread water, looking back to the house. There she could see the lights on, and her husband driving off in the car. So, she headed back.

By now, it was around 8AM, and she could hear Jamie’s alarm buzzing from his room, knowing it was not the first time it had gone off this morning. In she went, opening the curtains briskly, not expecting any other response than the one which came – a deep grunt. And out in the kitchen, Georgie, her youngest, was already eating breakfast, with her book in one hand and a spoon in the other. They smiled at one another, and Pauline kissed her head, exchanging a brief conversation about the day ahead whilst she put in a couple of pieces of toast for Jamie, knowing he would be running too late to eat otherwise.

The kids completed their morning routine, in the pace they had currently settled on, and the two headed off along the pavement to school. Now Pauine was alone again, but unlike the morning she was no longer accompanied by blissful tranquillity, but instead by a tension and uneasiness. She brewed another coffee in her cafetiere, and sat on the garden chair, staring out onto the dry plants and the ocean beyond them.

She did not know how long she had sat there, for her presence in the moment dwindled, and she became consumed by a weariness which had crept up on her through the years. Then she heard the gate on the side of the house jangle. She was at first startled, and began rehearsing what she had planned to say in her head. As she sat, with her eyes closed, she felt two rough hands on her shoulders, and the shift in weight as the figure knelt behind her.

‘No.’ She said at first. Temptation rose from within her, as she felt the blissful sensations arising from his kisses and breath on her skin and the hairs upon it. But as the feeling gained in strength, it reminded her of the duty she had given herself. ‘No.’ she repeated again, this time assertively and authoritatively, and it awoke him from his lustful haze. He stood back, studying her. Then, after some time, he walked to the chair facing her, and sat down.

‘We can’t, this must end. I’m sorry, Jack ’

‘You don’t mean this. You are not ready.’

‘This is the life I chose for myself, and I have to live by the decisions I made.’

‘Everyone changes their plans.’

Then they looked at one another, and she studied his face. She looked for imperfections, for visible signs of flaws in his character. But instead she saw his attractiveness, his competent yet still youthful demeanour, and she saw his well-meaning nature and genuine affection for her. She could not identify any reason within her to follow through with what she intended, and perceived in that moment that it was external pressures pulling the strings of her present actions. And this awoke a feeling inside of her which reminded her she was human, and she clung to this with all her spiritual might. Yet she hesitated, as she knew of the places that lust and temptation would lead her, so she decided to wait and observe, allowing him to make the next move.

‘Come with me, let’s head into Villaneuve. Let’s eat lunch’

To this, she simply said ‘Ok,’ and followed. She felt terribly weary. The sun had risen further, and its manner had begun the transition from a tentative peak to the glare of midday. So it was in this new part of France, and though the climate could be difficult, she liked it in a strange way. He lazily reached out his hand, and she took the little finger in hers as she liked to, and he led her over to the house, only leaving her to lock the doors.

In the car, they said very little. She sensed Jack’s anxiety about their arrangement ending, and whilst she felt a little guilty, she felt the pleasant sensation of power. Whilst she seemed to have little influence over her own life, she had influence over his, and this entertained her in a way that brought self-resentment. She came to feel strong affection for Jack over time, but in the beginning, she would admit that she was only in it for herself. Feeling wanted, lusted over, it made her feel good, notwithstanding her knowledge of its superficial nature.

So they arrived at the town and headed to a brasserie, where they sat at a table shaded by a large umbrella. The town seemed still in the heat, roasted coffee and food could be smelt, and the sound of pouring wine and light chattering could be heard, but the eyes detected little. All movements seemed static, in a lower resolution, and could not easily be tracked. Jack ordered all of the food and the wine, as he had done so throughout their arrangement, and then they sat back and studied both within and in their companion opposite. They tried to be honest with themselves in their own mind about how the two could really work. Very little of substance was said, Jack asked about the kids. Pauline, about Jack’s sister in medical school. The conversation may have appeared shallow, but it showed Pauline how the two shared a genuine interest in each other’s life, and that, tentatively, they were always considering the remote possibility that one day their lives may cross over, properly.

After they had finished, they left for the river, the spot they had convened in many times. The bus’ air conditioning was wholly insufficient, and the muse she was in from the heat became an irritable impatience. Pauline’s gaze flicked from person to person on the bus, giving each individual no consideration.

Once they arrived, the sun’s afternoon blaze became more of a glow, she could feel the intensity soften. Down to the river they went, embracing the coolness of the woods as they moved deeper into the line of trees, avoiding the gaps where the sun burst through. The sound of the road was replaced by the running river which grew nearer, and Pauline felt her shoulders drop and her breath soften.

Pauline spread out on the bank, saying nothing, and Jack watched her. Feeling his gaze, she drifted off into a light, yet blissful sleep. Throughout, she was aware of the sounds of the crickets and the cool, flowing water, and her weight on the bank. Every now and then, she could feel something brush across her skin – maybe a leaf or an insect – but she never allowed this to break her state of relaxation. After she awoke, she could see Jack had been in the water. He was sitting next to her with his arms resting upon his upright knees, playing with small stones and throwing them out into the stream. She lay for a while, motionless, watching him. Then she could not help it. She sat up, and took his face in her hands. Then she kissed him.

As their passion intensified, their union was sanctified by the nature around them. The open privacy of the wood and the river was a gift to them from the Earth, and together they were grounded as one. They shared their love with one another and the very Earth it took place on, and this gave it a sacred validity that neither had known before.

When they were ready, they took the bus back into town. Pauline was prepared to return to her empty life of performance for the evening—the dinner must be made, the right questions asked, and the day rounded off for her family. But she had the comfort of knowing that in the morning, the ocean would be waiting for her.