​I want a Taking a Shit Doula

Many of you have heard of doulas, a trained person that helps with childbirth stuff, sort of like a support person but they’re more than that. They make sure your birth plan is followed as closely as possible to make sure it’s the experience you want. Now there are death doulas whose job it is to make sure your death is what you want the experience to be. Well, I want to create a third kind of doula: the Taking a Shit Doula (TSD). My TSD will accompany me anywhere I go: my workplace, out shopping, friends’ and relatives’ houses, anywhere. Their job is to be ready at any time, day or night, when I’m ready to empty the tank. At all times they should have a primary, alternate, contingency, and emergency location that are all up to my standards for shitment, and they should have primary and backup routes to each location. I want each shitroom to be properly de-nastified both in terms of appearance and odor. The TSD will provide supplemental reading material if cell service is weak. And obviously they’ll ensure quality TP or a bidet is available. Here’s the end goal: at any time, regardless of where I am, I want to be able to turn to my TSD and say “It’s time, good sir. I need to drop a deuce immediately,” and the TSD can quickly shuffle me to my predetermined shitting location that is up to my standards in terms of comfort, cleanliness, and privacy.