​April 15 — Between Two Absences

Today is your birthday…

and my father’s too.

Strangely, the same date belongs to both of you,

two men who shaped my life in ways I can never undo,

and yet, neither of you are here beside me.

Your absence weighs heavily on my soul,

a quiet, unrelenting sadness I carry within.

Father… in a better world, you watch over me.

I know you see me from somewhere kinder, brighter—

you see the love that still flickers in my heart,

sometimes rising like a flame,

sometimes melting like a candle in the dark.

You taught me what love means.

You taught me that when love is real,

you hold on—tightly—

and never let go,

no matter how fierce the storm becomes.

You fight for it… with everything you have.

And I did fight, Father.

Until my very last breath, I fought.

But I think… in this chapter of my life, I lost.

Forgive me if I disappointed you,

if I let my feelings be overlooked,

or worse… let myself be overlooked.

I loved him… so deeply.

And forgive me,

I think I still do.

I miss you, Father.

More than words can hold.

I need your arms around me,

just once more—

to tell me that everything will be alright.

…

And you,

my beloved stranger,

I miss you too.

This is the second year your birthday passes without me by your side.

Today, I found myself wondering,

who are you celebrating with now?

Who feels lucky because you were born?

Who understands the value of your presence?

Did you receive a gift?

Or a birthday kiss…

warm enough to replace mine?

So many questions,

endless “what ifs” that filled my entire day,

and not a single answer to quiet them.

I wish there were a way

to reach you today—

to tell you “happy birthday,”

to tell you that I’m still grateful…

Grateful that I knew you,

that we created beautiful moments together,

that I once held you in my arms.

Grateful for every word I listened to,

every lesson I learned from you,

for loving you in a way that was entirely my own.

You were different to me.

You still are.

I still think of you.

I still, perhaps foolishly, wished for a message from you,

You were the light of my life,

I wish you hadn’t turned into darkness.

My dear, distant stranger…

today, again, I found myself thinking,

what if I hadn’t been older than you?

If we had been the similar age…

would our story have had no ending?

Maybe…

or maybe not.

Happy birthday, my familiar stranger.

And happy birthday to you too, Father,

the hero of my life.

April 15 , a day etched in my memory forever.

Ashley the name you gave me