​Chp 1. To Leaphin

A little preview of the Frist chapter of my book I’m halfway through. please give me honest feedback and I’ll answer any questions about the story. I’m trying to get a feel and if I should continue

TW: Distressing imagery, kidnapping, slavery, death

I wanted to ask for some writing feedback, be honest about the story but some notes 1. This is from the perspective of the character themselves writing an autobiography 2. This is pre edit, any grammar and spelling criticism should be kept to oneself. Yes writers can be bad at spelling 3. This is not a book for children or even teens but the text should be fully sfw 4. This will be a Fantasy Action-Drama not related to YA

Chapter 1: to Leaphin

The sea breeze blew though the air. I closed the window to try and stop the sand from blowing into the house. Even with the screen up the sand would always get in. My Oma would allways get upset she swore the cold sea air would keep us healthy “Don’t you dare close that window, I paid good money to not catch a fever.” I can rember her telling me. I would laugh, because cold weather doesn’t make us sick, and people rarely got sick withen the NNAN by that time. My Oma was just paranoid of death, she wasn’t ever eilligable for immortality neither Wear my parents. They both came from the Peoples Asian Republic and unlike the NNAN only the exceptionals wear immortal, the NNAN never allowed outsiders to be one either Even after they immagrate.

I allways at the time felt bad, I was labeled an exceptional by Both nations even allowed to keep both citizenships after I got my shot. I would be traveling the world anyways. They wear not Lucky just factory workers both my parents and grandparents one set moved to the NNAN with my parents and the other stayed behind. Not as it matters now, they both died as I was gone. My apologies I have gotten distracted

On that breezy evening I was makeing tea. It was in this black brass pot. I thought it was odd. There appliances wear standard issue but there utensils wear artifacts, they told me it was new; owned by monsters, they said. It was illegal to own monster products but they never cared my grandfather told me “if we leave the other half we’d be dead.” I never knew what he meant until I was much older.

I sat by next to my grandfather holding the brass coated cup in my hand.

I rember keeping my gaze down as I spoke “it is. . . Odd, this drink.”

My grandfather raised an eyebrow, Cerious of what I was going to say. I didn’t speak much something I learned early in life, yet i did have thoughts, thoughts people would gather to listen to- so my grandfather did.

“It’s real tea, not just weeds and it’s fresh tea. The Americans don’t even drink tea and yet, it’s fresh. Even a man on government funds can afford it daily. Why? The Nan doesn’t trade with the outside, they do everything here and yet my parents chose to send me here.”

My grandfather smiled and took the cup out of my hand knowing small things like this occasionally upset me. “MaoMao you know you where brought here to represent your country with your talent”

I nodded lowinering my head more “I know. . . It just doesn’t feel like my country anymore. I can barely Rember the language, I think I need to take a year off And work at home, in my country. I just don’t want to forget it.” I was silent for a moment “I keep looking at my mother’s photo, I’ve been having those dreams that I had forgotten her face, and when I returned home she was some faceless monster I-”

When I had looked up telling the story I noticed a shadow looking down. It made me pause enough that I stopped standing up and walking off the covered porch; the old dried out and sun bleached wood cracking under my feet as lifted them

My eyes couldn’t even believe what I was witnesses all the screaming dying down . . . But not really it was just the sound as my breathing hitched and the blood rushing to my head becoming louder in my ears than the screaming itself.

It was like a dream flat ships made of wood, like pirate ships, hung above the clouds. Ropes dropped down with massive people in bright Fushia cloths dropping don. They grabbed people or ran to Collect more like an orchestra of massacre. I was frozen in my place and then. . . it came for me.

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When I hit the ground I had to cover my head. People wear running and the captors, these peop- these monsters looked like humans, expect they had gills and, fins, and, if you stood too close, you would see scales. They stood- nay they towed over us humans most around two to two and a half andmeters but I would learn they could get up to Allmost 4 verry verry soon. . .

I curled into a ball the sounds of stopping and screaming filled the air. A women holding a child pleading for life for freedom to be taken to the boarder. She begged but was only met with a quick slash to her neak as she fell lifeless next to me her Babby still screaming beside its lifeless mother. I rember that smell, the feeling of warm on your skin, the sickness in your stomach when you fully realize the source

The tray was set down next to Sonya Makeing her jump a little. She looked up at her loyal maid a soft smile going across her face much different from the serious and scornful expression as she was entrenched into his pen and papper.

The maid poured the cup of tea before placing the cup and saucer next to her mistress. She glanced onto the page a from allmost forming on her face but she quickly changed it to a small smile as her arm extended to gently rub the women’s back. Running her fingers against the soft Velvet chipo, a beautiful sade; the safe matched the sight of the ocean at sunset wail you sink down to the depths.

Sonya nodded her head as a simple thank you before raising her hand to wave the maid off. She had much work to do. Waiting for her servent to walk off she took a sip of the tea, then a breath to collect herself. Carefully takeing the pappers inforunt of her not wanting to mess up the ink. A typewriter or even a computer would be much more appropriate and convenient but, Sonya wished for this to feel personal and raw. This was her story and she needed to share it. The Fate of her sisters depended on it.

She took amtoher breath and picked up her pen placing it on the page she’d been working on.

As I laid there I felt a tug on my collar, with another tug I was lifted, the tips of my feet just barely able to touch the ground. I screamed in nothing but pure terror, a soft voice quickly shushing me. The beast with greyish skin and large horns brought me to a Conner before dusting me off. It- She brushed me off looking at me with a worried and stern expression. I noticed she was different than the others, no scales or fancy military uniform just a tattered drity white dress and a thick metal collar that looked it could have a chain around it placed on her neak.

“Do you have a death wish miss!” She wasn’t yelling but her voice sounded like it before she took a breath. “Why wear you laying there where are your parents” her voice was more softer than I thought it would be.

I shook my head I had no parents. I tried to choke that fact out but no words were there. Everyone stared to line up and the women pulled my arm lining up next to me. Like she knew I had no one looking out for me.

She looked at me and shighed “Don’t end up like me, tell them you are going to be an adult soon, what is that for you humans. . . sixteen, seventeen; Yes! Seventh tell them that. You might get a chance of freedom later, or at least not be forced to work to death.”