​I Don’t Intend To Walk It

They say your last meal is either the best meal you’ll ever have or the worst meal ever. Well, I think this bologna sandwich tastes the same as it does every day: slimy, yet somehow dry. A perfect meal for anyone under the age of 20. My mom made it for me. She does that from time to time. She babies me a lot, even though I’m 21. I don’t hate it or anything. I prefer it to my mom never being around, like my father, who works seven days a week, twelve-hour shifts.

The breeze from this high up feels so nice, and the view—well, it’s to die for, really. But I can’t shake the thought of you. I miss you so much. I can’t believe we only dated for three months, and yet you changed my life more than you could ever know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that somebody anymore.

I remember sitting in my car on our second date, parked in an empty parking lot. Nothing was open, but you didn’t want to go home, so we sat there together for hours in my car, in this lonely-ass parking lot in this lonely town. And I realized everything I did led me here. I knew it wouldn’t last. I knew I didn’t deserve how happy you made me, which is weird because I never did anything truly bad to deserve feeling that way. I just know I don’t.

But I forgave you, like I forgave you when you first broke my heart. When we were just talking, every other day was a break, and I didn’t know it for a bit, but somebody else was there. Yet you chose me. When you went on dates with this other somebody, you told them you loved them, and I think they said the same. In the end, though, you chose me, and it made me the happiest I’d ever been. But I hurt you too—maybe more than you hurt me—and you forgave that. I never did. I promised I would never make you feel that way again, and I hated myself… well, more than I normally did.

So now I’m here, sixty feet up, legs dangling over this abyss, the stench of oil from cars burning below drifting into the air. I messed up, and I prayed for a change, for a happy ever after. In the end, you got that, but I never did.

So this is for you: a hearty goodbye.

Well, farewell, my love. May you never forget us.

I must go now. It’s a long way down, and I don’t intend to walk it.