A journal Entry:
Because Fuck it.
Im pretty sure I’m dying.
Just a bit quicker than poeple think I am.
I can barley hold my breath.
It feels as if there’s someone hugging me super tight around my chest.
As if a boa constrictor is wrapping around me and slowly tightening day by day.
It’s not only my chest that hurts, it’s my mind.
My memory.
I forget what I’m doing as soon as I start doing it.
I used to have creativity..
Imagination..
But it’s as if it’s all gone.
I can barley put sentences together in my mind.
Most people I know have a voice I’m their head when they think.
But I’m pretty sure I’ve lost mine.
Or my voice got sick of my depression and just left me like a lot of others in my life.
Not that I blame them.
I never ever enjoy bothering people, or weighing people down.
But sadly that’s what I tend to do.
I’m not saying I’m a let down…
I’m just saying that I’m not doing what I wish I was doing.
And that’s bringing people up.
I wish I had some meaning to others.
Well I know I do but I wish I could accept the fact that I have people that care about me.
But it’s so hard to accept.
I feel about 2%
I think I’m losing my battle.
I think things are finally coming to an end.
And I can’t really say I’m afraid either.
Because a part of me feels as if my life has been a nightmare.
There’s almost not a day to where I’m thinking to myself ” wake up, this isn’t real, this isn’t happening “
But it is real.
It’s all so real.
No matter what shitty coping mechanisms I have.
I have people that love me.
I have people that care about me.
And I have people that are absolutely going to miss me no matter what I try to say to myself.
I am loved.
I feel so ashamed for not being able to feel the love that they have for me.
I feel like there’s a part inside of me that’s just been broken for so long.
And the funny thing is is that I can’t blame others for my brokenness.
It’s my own doing.
I know that.
I admit that.
I admit that I usually put myself into fucked up situations becuse that’s where I feel comfortable.
I admit that when something isn’t going wrong, I feel wrong.
I admit that I’m an asshole.
I admit that I should’ve been taking care of myself along time ago.
I admit that I’m still depressed.
I admit that I’m a hot mess.
I believe that I’m a flame.
People love me from a distance.. I’m super bright, I can light up a room.. but if you get too close to me it can hurt.
I feel as if I’ve been trying to take my flame out.
I feel like I’ve been burning for too long.
And my wick is becoming very short.
I honestly don’t know how much left of me there is to burn
I’m barley holding on.
I’m sorry to myself.
For going down the paths I’ve gone.
For doing the things I’ve done to myself.
I never deserved to be put through what I put myself through.
And I’m sorry it might be too late.
I’m sorry to all my friends and family that I’m not strong enough to pull through any longer.
I’m sorry that I’ve failed you.
I’m sorry that I’ve failed myself.
I loved you all and I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Thank you for dealing with me as much as you have.
Peace and Love
submitted by /u/heartofluci
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