​the irony of drugs

this is my first ever post to reddit so idk what I’m doing. I just wrote this on a whim.

The irony of drugs

I think we have lost ourselves in thought, we have lost the value in self, and we have lost our place in who we are. What I mean by this is as you explore your own individuality in your head you either become more or less individual. You either begin to fall into the hole of I need to belong or you fall into the hole of i do not fit in. where drugs come in is how they are able to distort the senses and create a new sense of you. Drugs like marujuana make you feel light free and hungry, while also making you feel so heavy you cannot move. Adderall makes you focused, driven ,and internalized. Yet what the millions of drugs do the most is reset you. I think this reset is due to such a rapid change you lose yourself and all original context. You fail to see the real you thus finding a loss of who you were, are, and am.

My personal beginning of this was when I started taking Adderall again at the age of 20. I stopped at the age of 15 and felt as if I had reset. I had lost all sense of direction and I was no longer myself. I lacked all drive and intent. I had started over. I started adderall at the age of 11. And when i had stopped i was reverted all the way back to 11 again. All of my life experience had distorted its view and I had truly never gained maturity due to the alteration of my mind. Now back to being 20. I had 5 more years of life experience but due to my set back I was internally only 16. Upon making the decision to start again I had put myself on pause again. Freeing myself of true growth and causing a permanent pause I had no idea existed.

The pause, it feels like you continue to grow while on Adderall. You develop love, emotions, fears, goals, hope, and disdain. You continue to progress in ways you could not feel before and develop at 5x the rate as before. You learn yourself, others, and the world at an unexplainable rate. You feel power and drive no individual has felt. You feel in control of you. Then you don’t take it for a day. Reality sets in; it was all fake progress. You are still that young, desireless, unstable individual you had left on pause for years. You never learned how to handle your emotions. You never learned how to handle others. You stick out in a way that divides you from all experience you have had. This causes a disconnect.

Disconnection is one of the greatest fears of the human mind. It creates a distortion of belonging and a fear as to who you are truly. “If I cannot fit in, how am I a person?” this question begins to harmonize in your mind and belonging starts to disappear. As the disconnect builds you begin to sink into yourself, mind, body, and soul. You start to feel like you are watching a tv instead of experiencing life truly. When people talk to you it becomes a video game where you must portray a character that fits in this universe. You just have to pick the right options to try to make the game fun. Eventually the game becomes boring, and you want to change games, or take a break, but reality sets in that this is you. There is no break, time off, or game change. So you are now stuck looking at this tv, and wondering “why am i not there in person?”. Finally you find the culprit and accuse it of the crime. Though it is far too late and you cannot undo the crime you still have the thing to blame.

The blame you place is not what you would assume. It falls onto the most fragile thing in the whole cycle. It falls onto the individual themselves. You blame the inability to be normal, the lack of development, and the lack of individuality on yourself. You are obviously the one in the wrong if you aren’t present. You are obviously the one who is wrong if you aren’t socially capable. It all falls into place. You are the flaw. From a third-party perspective this is completely wrong. How are you to blame for wanting normalcy in the first place? Then the final realization hits. There is no third party perspective because you haven’t told anyone where, who, or what you are. No one knows. You are now completely alone in all regards

You are alone. There is no person left to understand. Conversation is empty, Time moves irrefutably, and you no longer exist. You have now created a perfect condition for isolation of everything. You have no place. You have no people to talk to. You have nothing. What do you do from here? Conversation is empty, existence is nonexistent, and you are still on the thing that is causing everything. Adderall, it is still a part of you, so you stop taking it for a month. What does this month feel like for you? You have completely regressed.

You are now back to being the age you last left off, 16, but now you are 23. With such a deviation you don’t belong at all now. All of your peers find you immature, dumb, and cumbersome. They avoid you because you are childish and in society anything that doesn’t belong gets thrown away. All of that loneliness does not leave. It worsens to the point of finding a solution. Begging for relief from your loneliness. Then you see it. The drug that helped you fit in externally. The drug that made people think of you as a mature adult. You take it again and the loop repeats.

The only thing the loop will ever confirm is that no matter what you will never belong. You do not fit in either internally, or externally. You must choose. Fit in, but not truly exist, or to not fit in, but feel the pain of exclusion. This choice is obviously impossible to make. You will continue to loop back and forth due to the challenges provided. You will stray further and further away from normalcy. You will never find the solace you seek. This is the pain of the loop that no one tells you about. You were 11 when it began, and you had no idea of the duality of its existence. You have not and may not ever find the true answer to your existence. You will spend every devout moment searching to no avail. That is the existence you were blessed with, and that is your stagnant curse that resides with you until the day you perish.

You were told many times drugs are bad, drugs kill, and drugs destroy. This firsthand experience is only able to be told to others, but it cannot be felt. My true hope is for this cycle to end and for a way to seek peace. Both internally and externally. The search will continue and hope will forever reside. The only truth to your life is that this loop will not end. It will continue forever for the simple fact of the insatiable will of the human spirit. I wish the absolute best and truly hope you find comfort in the future.