​Truth or dare?

Truth or dare?

I’d take truth all over again. But truth is so boring, they say. Yes, it might be sometimes. But it’s way easier to just lie if I feel embarrassed about the truth. Despite the moral question when it’s about lying, which would be a different text to write. It’s way harder to tell someone you can’t do the dare because you feel lost in your own panic of being seen. But yeah, it all is such a funny game. To be told you wouldn’t even be able to do a little funny dare. But to know you’ll sink in embarrassment if you do what seems funny for others doesn’t quite help.

You feel like you don’t belong.

Your own vision of yourself makes you feel so terrible that you start to think that everyone else sees you the exact same way.

Even if you have people that you call friends, you still believe that they don’t actually want or need you.

Rational thoughts?

Feel like I still don’t understand what they really mean. I overthink everything.

Every word, every message, every hello and goodbye, every facial expression, every tone of voice, every look, every little detail.

I overthink so much that every littlest negative thing grows so big that I can’t get through to anything positive. No matter how much more the positive weights.

Those negative thoughts feel like an opponet I can’t seem to defeat. But to be honest this kind of enemy also doesn’t defeat me. At least not really fast. It stays so long inside my head until I wanna give in. Until I wanna give up all the positive things that are hidden right behind it. Until I lose what I really want because I can’t rationalize that it wants me too. Feeling like you’re blind because you stop seing things the way they actually are is something I hate to experience.

I know how those things really are but the irrational thoughts are once again to huge to see through.

I know.

I know all of it.

I see the good. And I see the bad. I see the truth. And I learned about the lies. So I know that irrational thoughts aren’t quite the most true in my head. I know they make everything worse than it is. And I know I shouldn’t listen to them. But it’s so hard to not listen.

You know, there once was a wise man that said “Thinking too much leads to paralysis by analysis.” and by the time went by I felt this sentence more and more. The “paralysis by analysis” he talks about is having so much of those negative thoughts until you’re paralyzed. You feel like you can’t move anymore, like you can’t think about anything else. The only thing you can do is waiting for the storm to pass and hoping nothing gets destroyed that couldn’t even get a chance to develop any more. There has always been a storm in my head. To say it like it is I notice way too much to overthink.

Not only things others do can be made into something negative. Also my actions, messages, looks and words can. Am I talking too much? Am I talking too less? Am I trying too hard? Or am I taking it too easy? Am I kind enough? Am I smart enough? Do I look good enough? Am I an idiot for asking these questions all over again even though someone told me I don’t annoy them? Am I stupid for putting myself in a bad position because someone does something kind for me?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I am the idiot to believe that everyone at some point is gonna get tired of me. I am stupid for believing that a kind action is not really meant the way it is or that it’s not out of the right intention. I do believe that I am not good enough. And I do believe that there will always be someone better than me. Someone prettier than me. Someone more interesting than me. Someone more exciting than me.

And how we got to this point by starting with this game called “Truth or Dare”?

Well. I often notice this split of people in this game. The ones that take dare are the liked ones. They do every dare they are being told. And they don’t seem to be scared to do something humiliating. The other ones that take truth because they are afraid of doing a dare. They are often being told to be boring.

And hey, I get it.

But I also do believe that even those people that take dare aren’t feeling all better. Maybe they are scared of that one special question or maybe they are scared of being boring.

…

(If you like this text, feel free to support it or generally me on Medium or Substack too. Linked in my profile. Thank you ^^)