​Passive Cruelty

You’re my best friend even though you hate me
– Jessica

Written at my high school graduation party

—

In eighth grade, Jessica passed me a tightly folded note before school. We were sitting on the terrazzo floor of the cafeteria waiting for first period to start.

She liked me and wanted to know if I liked her too. We were already friends, and I liked her back. It became official, as middle school relationships do.

One weekend after the school year had ended, our parents dropped us each off at the local AMC. On the way home my mother teased me about the popcorn stuck in my hair saying I must have had a good time.

I broke it off with Jessica before our ninth grade school year started. I said we were better off friends. I wanted to be cool in high school and she didn’t fit into that plan.

We stayed friendly, but perhaps It would have been better if we hadn’t. I enjoyed Jessicas company, but she still liked me, and I strung her along. I’d only choose her when no one chose me.

Second semester sophomore year, we were partners for some project or another and planned an evening at her house to work on it.

When that evening came, we worked on the project and drank Dr. Pepper in her kitchen. We hadn’t gotten very far when she asked if I wanted to watch a movie.

Her twin sized bed touched three of her four bedroom walls. The bed had white sheets with oversized polka dots. The size of the dots struck me as funny compared to the room.

lying with her on those polka-doted sheets—she confessed she’d broken up with her boyfriend when I confirmed I would come over.

We watched Step Up 2 in that cramped little room and she unbuttoned her pants.

She didn’t ask me out afterwards.
She didn’t have to—she already knew the answer.

Years later, I called on her 25th birthday. I think I wanted to do something nice.

I mentioned my job hunt—I was moving to New York. The company she worked for had remote IT positions open. She offered an intro.

I hope she couldn’t tell that I thought it beneath me. I declined as gently as I could.