The biggest fear I had in life was being left behind and abandoned. For a while, perhaps even longer, I couldn’t escape loneliness to the point where I was convinced that I really was alone in this fragile, scarred world. Everything felt so cold, so suffocating, so unbearable that a tightness builds in my chest from how bad everything is inside my head. I shut down, everything goes blank, the feelings are bottled up so tight that there’s enough to fill a whole space.
Overtime, I convinced myself that I was hopeless, trapped and I was lost for a really, really long time. The feeling felt a lot better than being happy. It’s probably why I retreat to the past times when I was so oblivious to all the mess happening outside, bringing up nostalgia like I had the soul of someone who lived this life and trying to ignore the present as times changes. The isolation eats away at me every chance it gets, and it’s never fun as the numbers go small. A part of me believed that I deserved it. This was what I got for being too fucking oblivious all the time and losing pieces of myself too much.
When we go places, something changes. I feel like rediscovering my teenage self in moments like this. Like all my worries about life go elsewhere and rediscovering what it means to be free all over again and make up for all the lost time. Those days destroy any ovewhelm that overshadowed my capabilities as a person, a sibling, as a friend, a best friend, as someone special.
I think about you a lot, like enough to make my heart explode. Sometimes I think I’m a fraud for not saying anything or feeling the way I do about you, and I kick myself whenever I come close to saying how I feel. When I first met you, I was drawn by how intelligent, passionate, funny, caring, very kind and sweet you are, like a light bulb filling the whole room with unlimited joy all around and the things you really makes a difference.
I want you to know that whatever happens now and in the foreseeable future, I’ll always be there for you, appreciate all the things that make you who are, to remind you to keep going when shit goes sideways, to be a shoulder to cry on on the bad, celebrate every achievement big or small in the good days, to apologise and own up when things go wrong, and put you first above all else always.
There’s a saying that healing isn’t always linear. I thought long and hard, and I admit now a part of me needs to work on how to open up about struggles before the sprial starts whenever shit hits the fan. The only wish I have right now is to try again.
Whatever you decide, I’ll understand if we’re better off as we are now instead of doing something that will change everything. I don’t want to rush or wait around for the next opportunity to come and go. I want to take things one step at a time, and finally know in my heart that I have chosen the one thing that’s closer to greatness in this life or the next.
I never had the stomach to tell anyone how I felt because I had been taught to keep shit like this to myself, just move on and smile. And worried that people would think me paranoid if that was the case. I’m glad I got the chance to say this now than holding it in forever, and I want you all to know that I love you all and miss you so much.
submitted by /u/Unhappy-Funny9927
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